Congress Passes Legislation Preventing Optometrists
From Sitting so Close
 

After several days of heated debate, both houses of Congress reached agreement on a bill that prevents optometrists from sitting so close to their patients. "The American people have spoken," said representative Joe Stephens from Oregon, "and they've told us they want optometrists to back off! We couldn't be happier with the bill that passed."
 

Complaints have risen dramatically recently over the often creepy behavior of optometrists, who prefer to work in dimly lit rooms and sit unusually close to their patients. Many have wondered why optometrist refuse to convert to more accurate ways to test vision rather than the century old eye chart with the big, giant "E" at the top. "We know there are better ways to test vision", said Frankel, "and for the life of me I can't figure out why they aren't using computers like everybody else. It's time for them to step out of the Dark Ages and stop acting so weird."

The optometrist/patient barrier has been increased to three feet, which triples the old standard of 12 inches. After the optometrist has taken his seat in the testing room, patients are encouraged to extend their arms out towards the optometrist. If the patient feels any part of the optometrist's face, such as his nose or ear, the patient is encouraged to immediately get up from his seat until the optometrist reseats himself to comply with the legislation.

Dr. James Stephens, director of the Eye Care Institute, says this is a crushing blow to optometrists. "We believe the bonding that takes place between optometrists and patient is critical in accurately testing vision. People feel a certain calmness when their optometrist sits close to them, and the darkened rooms allow patients to complete the task of reciting letters in a relaxed environment."

Next week, Congress will begin debating poof tests conducted by optometrists. There is growing speculation that these tests are often unnecessary and are done simply for the amusement of the optometrists, who enjoy watching the facial reactions of their clients.

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