Ever wonder we all get so much sympathy and well-wishes for a harmless sneeze yet absolutely nothing for a hacking cough? Personally, I rather enjoy a good sneeze now and again. And that little tickling sensation in my nose right before I erupt is kind of pleasant. So well-wishes and “bless you’s” are really not necessary. I’d much prefer a slight nod or barely discernable wink to acknowledge that you were not offended by my outburst.

I just did some research on sneezes and learned that it’s myth that your heart stops when you sneeze. This is why most people pretend to be so concerned when you sneeze, even though deep they really don’t care and would actually enjoy the excitement of watching ambulance workers resuscitate you if your heart really did stop beating.

Now this is neither here nor there, but when researching the sneezing stuff I also learned that it’s impossible to lick your elbow. Go ahead and try. I can get pretty close, but I just can’t close the deal. The inside of the elbow is a cinch, but the “real” elbow is a totally different ballgame. I am trying this now at my local Panera Bread and I must admit I’ve gotten quite a few stares from curious onlookers. Aside from 2 or 3 people who seem to be trying it too, most are looking at me as if I’m some sort of freak.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reaction I get from coughing, unlike sneezes, is surprisingly unsympathetic. It’s almost as if I’m doing something wrong and I notice that people often recoil. But this is NOT the time to recoil, people. Perhaps I am in need of a drink of water or firm slap on the back. I believe all this recoiling needs to stop.

They say that in every Presidential election the guy you would rather go out and have a beer with always wins. This trend started way back in 1860 when Abe Lincoln handily defeated John C. Breckinridge. Lincoln delighted the public during the 1860 campaign with various sleight of hand tricks. He was particularly adept at making it appear as if he was pulling quarters out of his supporters ears. He also perfected the trick of putting an egg in his mouth and then making it look like it came out of his ear.

Many attribute the tricks to his enormous stove top hat. There was no reason for someone as tall as Lincoln to wear such a hat. These hats were primarily made for short guys who wanted to be noticed. Most historians now believe that the stove top hat worn by Lincoln was simply a ruse to conceal his props, such as eggs, rabbits and white doves.


Breckinridege, on the other hand was a total flop on the campaign trail. He was well aware of Lincoln's growing popularity and believed it was mostly a result of his party tricks. Knowing he could never master Lincoln's sleigh of hand magic, Breckinridge instead resorted to joke-telling, and he is properly credited with the classic knock-knock joke with the punch line "Orange you glad I didn't say banana again." Aside from this joke which would always bring the crowd to stitches, the rest of his act was stale and stiffly delivered. He was eventually trounced by Lincoln, and the more likeable candidate has one every election ever since.

That brings us to this years election and got me thinking which candidate would I rather go out and have a beer with. Frankly, I wouldn’t want to have a beer with either one of them. McCain is too old and has horrible teeth. I also don’t like the fact that you only see the bottom row of his teeth when he’s talking. I just went to the mirror and started talking while showing only my bottom row of teeth and I looked positively grotesque. And McCain wants to be President with this obvious flaw?

Even if I was able to get over his teeth, I still don’t think we would have very much to talk about. He knows no party tricks as far as I know, and while I guess it would be kind of cool to hear about how he was tortured all those years, you can only stretch that so far before you start to bore people. Also, when he walks around he looks a lot like Herman Munster. His shoulders are real high and he walks in a very mechanical and stiff manner. For the life of me I just can’t picture myself having a beer with this freak of nature.

And while Obama’s chompers look OK to me, I’m having a hard time dealing with the 37 he scored in bowling. Now what kind of man (I’m using the word very loosely) could possibly shoot a score that low? And another thing…..the dude has zero sense of humor. I’ve never seen him laugh once… not even when all those people were fainting at his rallies. Right before people faint there eyeballs go around in circles and their facial expressions are absolutely priceless. You’d think he would have at least snickered once or twice, but he just kept on talking without even a hint of a smile.

In conclusion, neither one of these candidates is desirable as a beer buddy, so look for a third party candidate to emerge and steal the election. I hear Nadar is an absolute blast once you get a few drinks in him, so you heard it hear first that he could be da’ man in November.