McCain Disputes Election Results, Claims Electoral College Should be Based on Land Mass, Not Population
 

Presidential candidate John McCain will formally contest Tuesday's election drubbing by arguing that electoral college votes should be allocated based on each states land mass, rather than it's population.

McCain spokesman Jim Frankel added, "the Founding Fathers knew how important the size of land was to this country, and we believe they set up the electoral college accordingly."

Under McCain's calculations, Alaska, due to its immense size, would count for 217 of the country's 538 electoral college votes. In fact, a trifecta of Alaska, Texas, and Montana would be enough to put McCain over the top, without having to worry about the traditional battleground states such as Pennsylvania and Ohio.

Frankel claims that spending so much time in Pennsylvania was just a ploy to keep Obama off-balance. "We knew we were running 10 points behind in Pennsylvania but we didn't want to tip our hand and let Obama know we were going for land mass votes elsewhere, so we kept up the pressure there. I thought we bamboozled him pretty well, as Obama even went to Rhode Island in September. The last thing we wanted was Obama waltzing through states with large chunks of land, such as Wyoming and Idaho."

The last Presidential candidate to win the land mass vote but lose the population vote was Bob Dole in 1996. The lower 48 was remarkably close that year, with each candidate staking out equal land masses. That is, until the returns of Alaska came in early Wednesday morning, showing Dole trounced Clinton 50% to 33%. And thanks to Alaska's 217 electoral votes, Dole won in a landslide.

After conferring with aides for several days, Dole chose not to challenge the election results for the good of the country. Dole campaign spokesman Cliff Roberts added, "Listen, you can parse words all you want, but at the end of the day we firmly believe the founding fathers wanted the electoral college system determined by land mass. They were all farmers tied to the land, so to suggest anything different is ludicrous. But Bob knew it would tear the country apart, so he did the honorable thing of gracefully accepting defeat."